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I recently had some routine lab work ordered in connection with my annual physical. I dutifully went to the lab for the tests prescribed.

I fasted overnight and was ravenous by the time my 11:30 AM appointment rolled around and nearly passed out when I saw the lab tech with a needle and multiple vials for the sample.

Now they had told me about the fasting part. This was for the blood draw. They did not tell me the part about the unexpected urinalysis. Of course, I has just gone to the bathroom before arriving, but not to worry, there was sufficient reserve to provide a valid sample for that unanticipated test.

However, the event brought to mind a time I was not that fortunate.

A few years back I had to take a drug screen urine test as a condition prior to employment. I arrived at the appointed time for the test. It was NOT a friendly lab.

When I approached the front desk, the Stoic Lab Dude sneeringly looked at me as if I had just smoked, snorted and ingested mass quantities of illegal drugs. It is quite possible he was a direct descendent of Victor Frankenstein. He handed me a questionnaire to fill out and asked me to have a seat.

In relatively short time, Victor Jr. gave me a cup to make water for Miss Daisy and I took it to the bathroom and gave it what I thought to be a rather respectable amount, filling is over half way. You never want to fill one of those things too far because of the obvious overflow ramifications.

Well, guess what. When I returned proudly with my cup, wagging my tail and hoping to get at least a chocolate chip cookie my effort, Victor Jr. says, “That’s not enough.”

“For real?” I replied. I thought surely he jested.

“Yes,” Was all he replied. Victor Jr. did not jest.

“Uh well, I sort of didn’t really save any excess and the deed has already been done. It’s not like a faucet I can turn on and off, you know.”

Victor Jr. found no humor whatsoever in that. He said simply, “Drink some water. Have a seat.”

Now normally, if it was the middle of the night, there would be no problem supplying the lab with what they needed to complete the screen. However, there was nary an urge and the pressure was clearly now on. I had a 4 ounce cup and a water cooler to drive Miss Daisy crazy,

After about 17 cups, I was 4 or 5 inches into the water cooler content and still nothing. I read year old sports magazines, thought about pouring rain and invoked an image of the Colorado River.

Then, it hit me. It was time.

So I confidently strode to the desk and smiled and said, “Ready to go.”

And, get this, Victor Jr, says, “I’m with another patient.”

I saw nobody.

“UH, you don’t understand. It’s time. I’m ready to go and if this time passes without taking advantage of the moment, it will never be here again quite like this.”

i was kind of urgently hopping up and down and tears were filling my eyes.

Ultimately, Victor Jr. gave me another cup. I filled that puppy to the brim, even added an extra 4 ounces to my empty water cup, just in case, brought it back to the counter and said, rather emphatically, “Enough this time!?”

He took the sample without comment and bid me adieu.

I passed the test, got the job and thus far, am living happily ever after.

Epilogue: I stopped at three gas stations on the way home to relieve the vast amounts of remaining fluids consumed prior to the successful sample.

FOOTNOTE: I usually try to have a cover photo associated with the article topic, but there’s no perfect photo for a urine sample experience, so I opted for this one. The rushing flow of water from the sea.

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