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There are a couple commercials out there in TVLand that bother me. The first mystifies me. The second is just plain annoying.

Let’s start with mystified. More than one fast food chain advertises some fabulous new entrée topped with “melty” cheese. The pitchman delivers it as mmmm-meltyyyyy cheese as if this is what puts the the bomp in the bop shebop shebop.

This elicits a question. “What the heck is “melty” cheese?”

I know what Cheddar cheese is. I know what Monterrey Jack cheese is. I’ve had me some Colby cheese. I have had sprinkles of Blue Cheese on my salad and Holy Cow, I’ve even had Swiss cheese on a corned beef sandwich before. And what’s a pizza without mozzarella cheese?

I’ve been to a cheese factory, gone to a cheese store and even perused the cheese section of the local Deli. But nowhere have I ever seen “melty” cheese for sale.

Still curious, I visited an informative website promoting the fine cheeses of Wisconsin. Nowhere in the glossary of cheeses is there any reference to the legendary “melty cheese” of fast food infamy.

http://www.eatwisconsincheese.com/Wisconsin-Cheese/glossary?fc=M

More research revealed that there are actually 3 types of “cheeses” sold in your local grocery store.

1) Real cheese
2) Pasteurized process “cheese food.” This contains at least 51% cheese. It also contains 49% of God knows what additives. These are the plastic-packaged single slices you see in the refrigerator section.
3) Pasteurized prepared “cheese product.” This contains less than 51% cheese. The majority of what constitutes the remainder of the product is unknown.

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Still, no hard definition of “melty” cheese is given. Cheese consumers, Beware. Melty cheese is likely not real cheese. It probably tastes good on that new entrée, but just know that Wedwand has cautioned you on the unknown content of said product.

And now, the annoying commercial.

It’s a GMC car ad. It starts lively enough with the introduction of a song by legendary rockers, The Who called “Eminence Front.” In an authoritarian fashion, the pitch man confidently states, “A pitcher, who can paint the corners, is known as a Rembrandt.”

Said no one EVER. I challenge you to watch, listen to, or attend any baseball game and watch multiple pitches pass over the corner of home plate and have ANYONE describe the pitch OR the pitcher as “A Rembrandt.” Despite what the GM commercial tells you NOBODY calls a pitcher a Rembrandt. Nobody.

For some reason, it ticks the living hell out of me. Somewhere around the 97th time I watched the ad, I stopped screaming “NO” at the TV when the commercial came on, much to the delight of my family.

Just in case I was mistaken, I searched “Rembrandt” on the preeminent site for baseball statistics in case my eminence front was clouded:

http://www.baseball-reference.com/search/search.fcgi?search=rembrandt&results=

Found 0 hits that match your search.

I searched Brant and found Brant Brown, Bill Brandt, Ed Brandt, and Jackie Brandt. NO Rem Brandt. No one even nicknamed Rembrandt.

If you want to try a tasty new sandwich or drive a new car, be my guest. Just know that “melty cheese” and “Rembrandt” pitches are the flawed fabric of what the advertising world wants you to believe.

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