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Here we are. Two days from August. And you know what that means? The summertime TV season is in full swing!

Reruns, replacement series, and reality shows clog our airwaves. Some of them are pretty good. Wait. I lied. None of them are very good, but they fill the prime time slots nonetheless.

My favorites are those made up competition shows where seemingly normal people run a gauntlet then get knocked 30 feet off a platform usually into a pool of water. The best part about those is the announcers.

These wannabe sports broadcasters narrate the scene with all the drama of the 4th Quarter of the Super Bowl.

Now I am punctually challenged. I constantly struggle to make it to work on time. So, Wedwand was wondering what it would be like to have one of those reality shows analyze the morning habits of someone with a similar challenge.

Let’s call this weeks contestant, Johnny (as in Johnny Comelately).
We shall call the announcers Vince and Lou.
The show is named, “Wake Up Sunshine.”

The show starts with five guys in flashy suits sitting around a desk while Johnny sleeps.

“You know, his past performance shows he just can’t get to work on time.”
“He needs more consistency to be an on-time performer.”
“Just last week he was late three days in a row. THAT has got to change”
“Let’s see how he does today.”
Music plays …Duh da Duh da da duh da daaaaaaah ….
“We take you know live to the bedroom of Johnny Comelately.”

Vince (his voice a whisper): His alarm is scheduled to go off at 6:50 which is just moments away.
Lou: He has the challenge of his life this morning.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

Lou: OK. There goes the alarm and he’s off. Oh Noooooooo. He hits the snooze.
Vince: Lou, he’s got to know if he snoozes he loses. That’s gonna cost him 8 minutes right off the bat.
Lou: He needs to cut some time off in the shower to make up for this.
Vince: And his workmates won’t be happy about that.
Lou: He may need to consider shaving in the shower to make up for this.
Vince: He has to shave some time off somewhere and what better place to shave seconds than in the shower.
Lou: He may even need to brush his teeth in there if he hits the snooze one more time.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

Vince: Ok. He’s a little groggy, but he seems to be waking up.
Lou: And your right, Vince, Johnny is heading straight to the shower with a toothbrush AND a razor.
Vince This is going to be an epic (1) shower.
Lou: He can’t wait too long for the water to warm up. And that cold water will help him hit the high notes when he sings in the shower.

Vince: The shower is over. What did you notice there Lou?
Lou: Well Vince, he missed a few whiskers right below his nose, but other than that, it was a good time in the shower. 5 minutes and 36 seconds.

Vince: I notice he has his clothes laid out. That should be a help.
Lou: And Vince I don’t really think it matters that he has brown socks and black shoes at this juncture.
Vince: No, it doesn’t matter if he matches if he’s not out of the door by 7:30.

Vince : Well, underwear, tee shirt and socks are all on. And Lou, look at this. I can’t believe he’s going to try this!
Lou: Nobody has ever accomplished this task before. Oooooooh and he hits the ground hard.
Vince: I know this is the big leagues, Lou, but Johnny has to learn, you just GOT to put your pants on one leg at a time.
Lou: You know, for a second it looked like he had it. Let’s look at the replay. (The replay tape runs.) Watch now, he almost has both legs in, but at the last moment he JUST slips a toe through the belt loop and takes a tumble.
Vince: So close. So close.
Lou: And yet, so far.

Vince: Well, he’s got his pants on now, the traditional way, and he’s up now putting on his shirt.
Lou: If he picked the polo, he’d have less buttons to contend with. Buttons are seconds and few seconds are important! As it is, Johnny’s gonna have to button most of those buttons in the car. There’s no time to lose after that fall.
Vince: Looks like he’s going to do just that. Grabs a cup of coffee now and is headed for the door.
Lou: 7:31. A minute off the target mark, but a good run.
Vince: Quite the improvement from the 7:37 leave time just yesterday.
Lou: Well, that’s it for now. And remember tomorrow …
Vince AND Lou: Wake up Sunshine.

And fade ….

FOOTNOTE:
(1) The FCC currently requires the word “Epic” to be at least once in every broadcast. If your show’s sponsors use “epic” to describe something like a frozen waffle, you are exempt.

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