You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2014.

001
Here we are. Two days from August. And you know what that means? The summertime TV season is in full swing!

Reruns, replacement series, and reality shows clog our airwaves. Some of them are pretty good. Wait. I lied. None of them are very good, but they fill the prime time slots nonetheless.

My favorites are those made up competition shows where seemingly normal people run a gauntlet then get knocked 30 feet off a platform usually into a pool of water. The best part about those is the announcers.

These wannabe sports broadcasters narrate the scene with all the drama of the 4th Quarter of the Super Bowl.

Now I am punctually challenged. I constantly struggle to make it to work on time. So, Wedwand was wondering what it would be like to have one of those reality shows analyze the morning habits of someone with a similar challenge.

Let’s call this weeks contestant, Johnny (as in Johnny Comelately).
We shall call the announcers Vince and Lou.
The show is named, “Wake Up Sunshine.”

The show starts with five guys in flashy suits sitting around a desk while Johnny sleeps.

“You know, his past performance shows he just can’t get to work on time.”
“He needs more consistency to be an on-time performer.”
“Just last week he was late three days in a row. THAT has got to change”
“Let’s see how he does today.”
Music plays …Duh da Duh da da duh da daaaaaaah ….
“We take you know live to the bedroom of Johnny Comelately.”

Vince (his voice a whisper): His alarm is scheduled to go off at 6:50 which is just moments away.
Lou: He has the challenge of his life this morning.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

Lou: OK. There goes the alarm and he’s off. Oh Noooooooo. He hits the snooze.
Vince: Lou, he’s got to know if he snoozes he loses. That’s gonna cost him 8 minutes right off the bat.
Lou: He needs to cut some time off in the shower to make up for this.
Vince: And his workmates won’t be happy about that.
Lou: He may need to consider shaving in the shower to make up for this.
Vince: He has to shave some time off somewhere and what better place to shave seconds than in the shower.
Lou: He may even need to brush his teeth in there if he hits the snooze one more time.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

Vince: Ok. He’s a little groggy, but he seems to be waking up.
Lou: And your right, Vince, Johnny is heading straight to the shower with a toothbrush AND a razor.
Vince This is going to be an epic (1) shower.
Lou: He can’t wait too long for the water to warm up. And that cold water will help him hit the high notes when he sings in the shower.

Vince: The shower is over. What did you notice there Lou?
Lou: Well Vince, he missed a few whiskers right below his nose, but other than that, it was a good time in the shower. 5 minutes and 36 seconds.

Vince: I notice he has his clothes laid out. That should be a help.
Lou: And Vince I don’t really think it matters that he has brown socks and black shoes at this juncture.
Vince: No, it doesn’t matter if he matches if he’s not out of the door by 7:30.

Vince : Well, underwear, tee shirt and socks are all on. And Lou, look at this. I can’t believe he’s going to try this!
Lou: Nobody has ever accomplished this task before. Oooooooh and he hits the ground hard.
Vince: I know this is the big leagues, Lou, but Johnny has to learn, you just GOT to put your pants on one leg at a time.
Lou: You know, for a second it looked like he had it. Let’s look at the replay. (The replay tape runs.) Watch now, he almost has both legs in, but at the last moment he JUST slips a toe through the belt loop and takes a tumble.
Vince: So close. So close.
Lou: And yet, so far.

Vince: Well, he’s got his pants on now, the traditional way, and he’s up now putting on his shirt.
Lou: If he picked the polo, he’d have less buttons to contend with. Buttons are seconds and few seconds are important! As it is, Johnny’s gonna have to button most of those buttons in the car. There’s no time to lose after that fall.
Vince: Looks like he’s going to do just that. Grabs a cup of coffee now and is headed for the door.
Lou: 7:31. A minute off the target mark, but a good run.
Vince: Quite the improvement from the 7:37 leave time just yesterday.
Lou: Well, that’s it for now. And remember tomorrow …
Vince AND Lou: Wake up Sunshine.

And fade ….

FOOTNOTE:
(1) The FCC currently requires the word “Epic” to be at least once in every broadcast. If your show’s sponsors use “epic” to describe something like a frozen waffle, you are exempt.

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020
“Well you roll on roads over fresh green grass,
For your lorry loads pumping petrol gas.
And you make them long, and you make them tough.
But they just go on and on, and it seems that you can’t get off.”
— Cat Stevens “Where Do The Children Play” 1970

The song has deep meaning about mankind blindly stifling even the simplest things in the name of progress so that maybe one day, even effect basic things, like where the children will play become absent and meaningless.

Video games are proof of the prophesy of that song from the seventies.

Today, however, I take a different twist on the song. Rolling on roads over fresh green grass. And it seems that you can’t get off ….because ALL the exits are blocked.

Yes, indeedy, summer is road construction season here in the US of A. It’s a proud tradition that nobody understands.

OK, I understand roads need to be fixed. Lanes need to be paved and widened. New potholes need to be made. Signs that say, “There’s nothing better than a gas station roller dog. Next roller dog 35 miles” need to be replaced.

And, I am sure the process is planned with painstaking precision. But, I do have a few questions on said process.

Why would they do it in the busiest travel season of the year, Summer? Why muddle an already congested highway with even fewer lanes of traffic?

Why are two out of three lanes of traffic blocked for 75 miles when the only visible sign of construction is a solitary bulldozer at mile 3?

Here’s another one. Road construction is taking place on a major highway that travels from north to south. Brilliantly, the other two major highways on either side that run north and south are also under construction. This leaves the only untrammeled north south highway 50 miles to the east or west in either direction. Why?

Don’t get me wrong. I am sure these road construction workers are hard working individuals. In fact, it may be only ONE individual, because all I see is that one guy driving a bulldozer at mile 3. I don’t know. Maybe there’s more.

Sometimes, I see 5 or 6 of them staring intently at a pile of dirt the bulldozer must have dug up at Mile 2 four weeks ago.

Sometimes, I see a cement truck and a crane at Mile 4. Perhaps they are planning a strategy for when the bulldozer gets there next month.

I live in the Chicagoland area. Our roads are SOOOO good here in Northern Illinois that you have to pay to drive on them. We call them Toll Roads.

They are perpetually under construction. I believe this is just a ruse, so the driver thinks, “Hey, that’s why I’m spending 37 dollars in quarters every 15 miles. These guys are really working on their roads. Will you look at that guy driving the bulldozer.”

Then one day, when summer is over, the construction is miraculously complete and you never ever saw it coming. Wider lanes. Bigger pot holes. Rollers dogs every 15 miles.

This is the world you saw Cat Stevens. Sing about it.

GE DIGITAL CAMERA
Cometh that time of year when we wonder, Summer oh Summer, where hast thou gone. A dozen days post the memorable Epocha of Pomp and Parade have past. Oh fireworks, where 4th art thou?

“The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.”

But, All I Have To Do is Dream Dream Dream. Be it California Dreaming or a Daydream Believer, I don’t need a Dream Weaver to tell me I Can Dream About You if You Dream A Little Dream of Me. Now you may say, Dream On, I Had Too Much to Dream (Last Night), but here we go again, These Dreams.

So, I know what you’re thinking. Hey Wedwand, have you been hitting the hump again?

Actually, I realized it was the double hump today, or the Bactrian Camel hump if you prefer.

Still wondering what these weird words mean?

Well, we will make a short story long in case you haven’t figured it out already.

This week’s post is on July 16, 2014. Weatherman say “meteorological summer” runs from June 1 until August 31 in the calendar year. This is a 92 day run that the Hot Fun in the Summertime has according to meteorologists.

Half of 92 is 46. July 16 is 46 days out from June 1. Are you following me so far?

Therefore, we are at Mid Summer. It is a time that inspired Billy Shakespeare to write a Comedy called, A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

I saw the theatrical presentation of MSD once, and while I don’t entirely recall all of it, I am pretty sure it involves hockey, since one of the main characters goes by the name of Puck. A Midsummer Night’s Dream is called a Comedy.

This differs from a Shakespearian Tragedy. One of the most famous tragedies is of a Scottish soccer goalie, Macbeth who missed a key save for the Scottish team.

Apparently, “Out, Damn’d spot” does not stop the winning goal from going into the net. Goooooaaaaaaaaalllll, Macduff. And the Scots are eliminated from World Cup competition again.

So on this day, Wednesday, July 16, we are at the perfect meteorological hump. (No matter how many times I type it, I still need spel chek for meterologdicalist).

Half way to the weekend. Half way through summer.

“Have you any Dreams you’d like to sell. Like the loneliness of a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering…”

So, if you have a dream tonight, it will truly be a Midsummer Night’s dream.

“Lord, what fools these mortals be.”

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