For the past three years or so, I’ve happen to work in an “elevator building.”

As fate would have it, I’ve recently moved my residence to an “elevator building.”

Therefore, based upon sophisticated and scientific observations, the method of which I cannot share here, I feel infinitely qualified to share some of my thoughts on elevator etiquette.

Here we go:

Always stand about 5 feet from the elevator door when waiting for the elevator to arrive. Believe it or not, there may actually be people ON that elevator awaiting to exit. You will impede the exit process if you are any closer.

This may be obvious, but believe me, some idiots do not heed this. Let the people exit the elevator before you try to enter the elevator. It’s a lot easier to get ON the elevator AFTER those who want OFF the elevator exit. It only makes sense.

People REFRAIN from any cell phone usage while ON the elevator. Please. This one is an obvious. There is nothing THAT pressing happening that requires you to check your e-mail and text messages on that 30 second ride. As if, the instant you arrive at your floor, you need to JUMP into action like Wonder Woman ready to save the world when you hit the 3rd floor.

And even worse, don’t make OR answer a call while on the elevator. NOBODY wants to hear your trite and boring conversations AND even IF it’s an emergency, just what are you going to do? You’re inside an elevator! Likely miles away from anyone needing your help.

If you are standing right in front of the door ON a crowded elevator, just exit when the bell rings. Yeah, I know you want to be gallant and let the ladies exit first, but if in fact you are feeling chivalrous, exit first THEN hold the door for them. It’s a confined space. Get off it as soon as you can and help accelerate the process for others anxiously awaiting an exit.

On the off chance it is just you and another person sharing the same lift, I’d suggest using the moment to share a little happy small talk instead of riding in awkward silence. If you don’t know just how to do that, here’s some suggestions:

Whew, hot one out there.
Boy, that traffic was BAD today.
Wow, Wednesday already.
How bout those Cubs?
Can’t wait until tomorrow. Why? Because I get better looking every day.

Never underestimate the power of human interaction. The next time I see these people in the lift, they usually smile at me. Perhaps because they think I’m crazy. Perhaps because they enjoyed the prior exchange. Perhaps because they thought I looked NO different.

So there you have it. Some VERY simple suggestions for “living it up while you’re going down.” Props to aerosmith.

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I’ve been preparing for the big eclipse that’s coming August 21.  For the past week, I’ve set my alarm for 2:00 AM, then I take a look out the window for three whole minutes trying to replicate experience and take in the total darkness.  Yep, it’s dark, very dark.

The solar eclipse of 2017 has been all the talk for at least the past month or so, even more if you’re one who is totally eclipsed by the impending moment.  For those of you living under a rock, or the dark side of the moon if you prefer, a total solar eclipse is about to pass through the contiguous United States.

The last time this happened in the USA USA was in 1979, however, this eclipse only passed through five north northwestern states on a February morn, barely visible in the winter sky before crossing the border into Canada.

The last time a total solar eclipse passed through the US of A from sea to shining sea, from the Pacific to the Atlantic was in 1918.

In other words, this event is ALMOST as rare as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

Dearly beloved, there hasn’t been this much excitement about a naturally occurring event since New Years’ Eve 1999 and the Y2K scare. Remember that?

We were all duped into thinking the Cyber world we created would explode and everything computer generated would disintegrate because the years on computers were supposedly configured with only two digits. Once the clock ticked to 2000, bang, everything would revert to 1900 and life as we knew it would crash.

It didn’t, but come on, admit it, you still have a jug of water and a jar of peanut butter tucked away in a safe place, just…in…case. Someone made money off that, I’m sure.  In fact, as I reflect on Y2K, I become more convinced the bottled water people and the peanut butter people conspired to contrive the plan.

Speaking of making money off a natural phenomenon, hats off to Southern Illinois University (SIU) in Carbondale, Illinois, one of the premier spots to view this eclipse in the ”path of totality.”  (I love that term, path of totality.)

SIU sold out their football stadium at $25 a pop for the event.  Spots in the on-campus grass parking lot are going fast for $20 a place.   Perhaps I am pointing out the obvious here, but the eclipse is IN THE SKY, visible for free to anyone who cares to experience it.  Yet, SIU sold out seats for the viewing. Kudos to you, Salukis.

There is actually a Royal Caribbean Total Eclipse Cruise and get this, Bonnie Tyler will be singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at the exact moment the path of totality passes overhead.  If you miss it, “It’s a Heartache.”  In fact, for an added treat, Bonnie’s back-up band is call The Path of Totality!

Enjoy the event however you choose to do so.  Just remember the advice of Manfred Mann and the Earth Band, ‘Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun.”   And really, a burned out retina is not where the fun is.

Me, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZtfsfoKSB0

FOOTNOTE: Photo credit to my daughter, Taylor for the cover pic circa March, 2016. And yes, I know, this is not a “solar” eclipse. It was quite the different world when a photo op existed for that.

Didja ever have a song you hear on the radio that instantly takes you back to a moment in time?

Do you still listen to the radio?

When I listen to the “Oldies Station” I would say nearly 50% of the songs bring back a moment, a time in a place, a memory I associate with the song.

Sometimes the association is rather abstract.

Take for example the connection between High School football two a day practices and the song by Queen called, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”

Let’s set the DeLorean for a hot August summer on a football field in Chicago’s northwest side.

Back in the day, two a day football practices in August were a macho way get your ass in shape via drills, sprints and head on hits not dissimilar to physical torture. There was no concussion protocol. They actually called one of the drills “head-on tackling.”

Practice began in the gym with a speech about the goals for practice that day.

On day one, Coach Seevers made it clear that when we left that gym and exited to the adjacent football field, we were to “SPRINT when you see those goal posts. SPRINT when you see those goal posts.”

He pronounced it Spreeent

We then were to SPRINT to the north goal posts and run in position awaiting our next stage of the two-a-day gauntlet.  While running in position, Coach would arrive yelling in a loud borderline squeaky tenor voice, “READY READY.” Then he’d blow a whistle and we’d jump to the side and back to the front.

“READY READY.” He’d blow the whistle again and we’d jump to the side and back to the front.  We’d repeat this five thousand times until we were ready ready to drop before even starting practice.

Which brings us back to that Queen Song. Here’s the Official video in case you’ve forgotten it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zO6D_BAuYCI

At about the 1:45 mark the lyrics go like this:

I gotta be cool, relax, get hip
And get on my track’s
Take a back seat (ah hum), hitch-hike (ah hum)
And take a long ride on my motorbike
Until I’m ready ready Freddie

SEE! There it is, “ready ready Freddie”

READY READY

Bang, I’m looking for goal posts to sprint to. I’m sprinting in place waiting for a whistle.  I’m transported in time to two a day practices on a hot August morning. As opposed to a Hot August Night, Neil Diamond. Brother Love’s traveling salvation show … But that’s another story for another time, if you’re ready ready.

FOOTNOTE: Cover photo is the actual site of the goalposts to sprint to.

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